Breaking News. Australian aid for boat people.

Tony Abbott has introduced an overseas aid policy that will allow Indonesian fisherman to update their battered and leaking boats. The scheme is simple. The Australian Navy waits on the edge of our territorial waters with a supply of new boats. All the Indonesian fishermen have to do to collect their new boat is to sail to where the boats are waiting and the Navy exchanges new for old.

When the exchange has been completed there is a short ceremony that finishes with a ten gun military salute using live ammunition and the Indonesian fishermen sail back to Indonesia as fast as they can.

The Indonesian Government is reported to be so surprised by the generosity of the Australian government that it has been struck silent, but inside sources say a letter of thanks is being formulated as I write. A first draft became water damaged whilst being smuggled out by a fishermen coming to collect his new boat. So far the bits that can be translated read.

“mr f Abbo.. Wh…th.. f.c. do  y….. pig.y e..d  f.cked wit… .orr.ble N..is Gov…ment t..nk Th.y are pl..ing at. If w. cat.. t..t wa.cker S.ott Mor…on w. .ill string h.. up .. … balls .. if .. cat.. Ju.ia .ishop s.e .ill be plant.. in . rain fo..est .ith a ba.boo ..ick up h.r arse.

The remainder is undecipherable but we understand the Indonesian Government is highly animated and are still performing an ancient ritual dance not seen since the Japanese made a surprise visit from the north.

In a surprising act of modesty the Australian Government has not chosen to publicise this generous and noble policy.

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